Venting my spleen

Top 10 things I hate about travelling on London buses…

10. People who eat yummy smelling food on the bus when you are pissed and are gagging for a bite yourself

9. Getting on a bus that clearly hasn’t been cleaned from the night/day before and therefore have to sit amidst a pile of orange peel/nuts and bolts/empty beer cans/plastic bags (all from personal experiences)

8. Getting on a bus where someone has thrown a can on the ground, which is now rolling around and making that annoying rolling can sound, but no one who is close to it will pick it up therefore you have to walk from the other end of the bus to do it yourself

7. Crazy people on the bus that start preaching about god/burping deliberately loud/singing/impersonating a police officer/screeching/singing loudly and very badly to themselves (all based on personal experiences)

6. Bus drivers that only know how to accelerate and break extra extra extra hard

5. Bus drivers that just go far too slow

4. You are standing up holding on for dear life as the bus is packed, when someone decides that they are going to get up out of their seat and begin to manoeuvre themselves towards the exit about thirteen million hours before their stop. (bit of an exaggeration, but why get up and unbalance the people standing who are struggling anyway just so you can stand by the door and wait ages to the next stop??). And note they are usually carrying backpacks/shopping bags.

3. People who just push in blatantly in the queue- especially into that little bit of space that you leave in front of you so your not squished into the person in front. (ie they have no concept of personal space)

2. People who just push in blatantly in the queue- especially into that little bit of space that you leave in front of you so your not squished into the person in front. (ie they have no concept of personal space) AND start fiddling around in their pockets for change therefore holding everyone else up

AND NUMBER 1....

1. Feckin’ school girls with their feckin’ mobile phones playing feckin’ Beyonce feckin’ loud so that the whole bloody bus can hear the whiney drivel emanating from the latest Nokia whatever. No one wants to hear your shit music blaring out of your phone. The stink thing is that they probably carry knives and will stab you if you should even dare ask them to turn it down/off.

I stole that beer glass

I just think the name 'Kwak' is quite funny for a beer too..... this is from last weekend....

I must be emotionally depleted....

Guess what you can spell my name 12 ways....

Carly
Karly
Carlee
Karlee
Carley
Karley
Carli
Karli
Carlea
Karlea
Carlie
Karlie

Lack of substance

Im going to put my thinking cap on and come up with something deep and meaningful... watch this space people!

Da global freezing debate?!

It official- GLOBAL WARMING IS ALL BOLLOCKS! Its a FARCE!

I say this because its gone from a balmy 15 degrees down to 2 degrees in one bloody day : (#

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Vegetables and Football

Its official folks, Celery is B.A.D!

The humble celery often gets a bad wrap...... boring, tasteless (although I'm a big fan of it in soups...), and now Chelsky Football club have decided to ban it from Stamford Bridge..

THIS is just pure gold......

Errata

Ok so back in Sheffield this also happened.... quote from Celestes email yesterday...

'just read your blog low down of sheffield - you conveniently missed out the bit about drunken carly bashing on the window of the service station, demanding that the poor girl come out and serve you! hahah'

- this happened on the way home when cest and I had the drunken munchies.... and I apologies profusely to the poor 14 year old service attendant who was doing the night shift!

You know summer is on the way when.....

You shave (or should I say hack???) your legs for the first time in 5 months. I can't wait to get those shorts on again....

You know you're tired when....

You sleep for 14 hours, which is what I did today. Thank god I called in sick coz me thinks I needed it..... I hate being sick.... especially again.

And don't worry mum I have been looking after myself and eating lots of veg and fruit! I blame the changing of the seasons.....

More Chuck Norris Gold

Is it wrong that I actually find these funny....

WAYS TO KEEP YOUR GIRL HAPPY- BY CHUCK NORRIS

1. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

2. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

3. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If sheis, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

4. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

5. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewellery is for pussies.

6. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

7. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

8. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

9. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

10. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

11. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

12. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

13. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

14. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

15. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

16. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

17. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

18. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

19. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

20. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

by the way

I ended up eating chocolate deliberately so I've flagged the whole 'lent' thing

Im getting a bit too old for this.....

Ash with support from Formation V

Sheffield University Student Union, Saturday March 3rd

Ok so my fabulous friends Celeste and Tim shouted me a ticket, train ticket and accomodation to see Ash play! Yay I thought because I last saw them like 5 years ago at the Powerstation when it was still going.

We got to Sheffield two minutes into the big Man U vs Liverpool game, so to Cests dismay, Tim and I spent the next half and hour looking for a pub that was showing the game, and eventually found one. I was actually surprised to find that Sheffield is actually a really nice little city- very studenty seeing as there are two Universities there.

We checked into our hotel room after the game and sprayed it copiously with air freshner (unfortunately landed a smoking room that absolutely STANK!!!), and missioned to the nearby restaraunt to nab a corkscrew for the bottle of wine, which we promptly consumed whilst chatting away and watching a bit of telly. We actually saw the most erotically charged, suggestive ad for sausages ever (even Tim commented that he felt wrong watching the ad) which was rather funny.

We headed back into town to find the venue where the next hilarious thing happened.... I made a comment to Cest that 'wouldn't it be funny if Tim Wheeler (lead singer) walk right past and apparently as I said it that actual drummer from Ash walked past us! How wierd! Anyway we went to a very lovely pasta restaraunt, where I got the Ragu dish and was sooooooooooo tasty! I think there was as much meat as I had eaten for the entire year in that sauce... yum yum yum!

Onto the gig:

So take a venue literally the size of Shadows for us Auckland University Graduates, take every cool song that Ash had ever played, add a few newby songs and you have an absolutely fantastic gig!

They opened with the first song off 1977 whose name escapes me coz I never owned the album (shock shock horror horror), lept into Burn Baby Burn, then Jesus Says.... pure class! The three of us each guessed a song that Ash would play, and whoevers song was last had to sleep on the fold out couch in our classy Travelodge room (sadly the honours went to Tim who wrongly guessed Orpheus!). Anyway if you notice the main title we quickly came to the conclusion that we were probably the oldest people there. This was confirmed after the gig when Cest and I (the hard core rockers at the front) came away battered and bruised from the being squished at the barrier..... come to think of it we weren't the only ones- all the security guards at the front had cuts and bruises and wierd bumps gashes on the eyebrows.... god knows what those crazy kids in Sheffield get up to. They finished off with the classic Kung Fu and just played every cool song imaginable. My personal fave was A Life Less Ordinary ... class class class!

So after the gig we are all a wee bit tispy and head off to find a pub (NB at this point its only 10pm because of a curfew on campus!!!!) and discover that Sheffieldiens like to a) dress up wear next to nothing (boob tubes, heels and short shorts mandatory!) b) like to go out with their mothers c) the aforementioned mothers like to also dress in the aforementioned way but with green highlights in their hair. Interesting anyway and we left after an hour or so..... during which time so awful covers band massacred Charmless Man by Blur. There are some songs that you just don't touch!

So the next day dawned and we had a bit greasy breakfast in the Little Chef next to the Travelodge checked out at Midday and headed back into town and checked out the Winter Gardens that had loads of NZ native plants (And I'm glad to say I can still recognise my Dicksonia squarrosas from my Dicksonia fibrosa) with a fantastic speciment of Kaka beak. Very good shit. Sat around for ages over a coffee contemplating what to do seeing as it was hosing down with rain and unanimously decided that the pub was the best option so found one by the station, and then it gets a bit blurry from then onwards. I personally blame GNER rail or whoever for selling whole bottles of wine on the train! Anyway was suitably drunk by the time I got home.

Yay for tree ferns! So that sums up yet another cool weekend!

Stupid servers....

Normally I spend a huge hunk of time at work updating my blog but the dumb server has been down (along with potentially loosing 2 weeks work at the same time!!) but ah well! Michelle will concur....

I had a good night on Tuesday, having a few drinkies for my birthday and feeling suitably hungover on the wednesday.

Loads of nice presents anyway and lots of fun.

Lots of lovely things are happening anyways........